| I wish |
[Jul. 24th, 2009|10:29 am] |
I wish that I could tell Jason and David and those that came before them that all the bad things, all the times they've cursed me, have been delivered a hundred times over.
And David will be happy to know that, aside from the very end and the one night I had a seizure, it's all gone. There is no curse worse than to have feelings, to know a thing happened, and have no memory of what it was. |
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| A Thought |
[Jun. 26th, 2008|02:51 pm] |
I always thought I understood the idea that you must love yourself and be comfortable in your own company before you love someone else. It makes sense, but for some reason I was thinking about it more today. Perhaps the reason it is best to first be comfortable in your own skin is to understand how you can be loved at all.
This isn't a pity me, cry for help post. Just a thought.
Maybe that was always the point behind the statement. I was just slow in getting it. |
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| You made me hate Carbon Leaf |
[Jun. 25th, 2008|11:30 am] |
Nathan once told me, while quite drunk, that every day he wishes he would die.
I keep wishing I could talk to Jason, but then I realize that's pointless. In the best of days, he would just get angry and tell me I deserve better. I can get angry on my own and say the same. No need to drag someone else into this.
I always wondered what it would be like to be a true alcoholic. Functioning, of course. It must make things better, or so many people wouldn't drink. Too bad drinks have calories.
The really shitty thing about my job is that I have to have some amount of food in order to think enough to actually do my work. I don't like food right now. The actual thought of it makes me feel like I'm about to vomit. I appreciate everyone's words, and I even know you're right. But I have to have control over something and my body is all I have right now. I gave everything else away. |
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| Disgusting |
[Jun. 24th, 2008|01:30 pm] |
I started eating normally this week, on orders. It makes me feel completely disgusting. My OCD with the numbers going into my body is really making me flip out. I wish the first 20 hadn't been so easy to lose. Now I'm stuck and neurotic. 5x cardio a week for an hour. I have to find room in my schedule for three sessions of strength training a week as well. I keep thinking it isn't enough, it isn't enough. If I don't do something soon, however, I'm canceling my October trip to CA/Blizcon. The way I explained my raid absences to someone I play with: "I'm doing the world a favor and ridding it of one more fat chick." He laughed.
I sometimes envy bulimics. As fucked up as that is. I don't care to cheat, but when I feel like this mentally, I at least feel better when my stomach is empty. There's something odd about being hungry - makes me feel empowered. Wow, so fucked up on so many levels.
I had a direction. The direction hit a wall, now I'm floundering around trying to find another direction. Everything I read says don't worry about plateaus, they're common at this stage. But fuck that - I'm running out of time. Three and a half months left on the clock. That's really not much time unless I start doing something extreme. Luckily, I'm really, really good at extreme.
35 pounds in 3.5 months. 2.5 pounds a week. After that I can worry about the last 10 at my leisure.
I canceled my late summer trip to NC. My step-mother apparently has no desire to see me, thus making null my last reason for going there. I'll save the money to my boob fund instead. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2008|10:37 am] |
Summer's heat to Winter's wind
All the leaves are gone
Down by the pond where we used to walk
It's a crumbly mess
No more orange dancing on the trees
Burgundy, yellow or maize
All gone, gone, gone |
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| Modest |
[Jun. 2nd, 2008|09:35 am] |
Mouse
Are you dead or are you sleeping?
Are you dead or are you sleeping?
Are you dead or are you sleeping?
God I sure hope you are dead. |
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| Epic Tetris |
[May. 23rd, 2008|10:41 am] |
My gmail account only dates back to May 2006 and I don't feel like doing more work today. A few days off do not remove the acidic taste in my mouth that work seems to leave. Maybe it's the water, so I drink Aquafina; pure water, perfect taste. The psychology of the human mind cannot be placed within the text of a book. Psychology is an astronomical science of guesses and estimations. Determination of patterns that are not required by the mind to function. Yet we follow the patterns all the way to dusty death. My ears hurt but I can blast 'Toy soldiers' by Carbon Leaf. Today I strike out on my own. The dog is dead, the kids have grown. Toy soldiers brave away those tears, toy soldiers hope for better years.
I always thought I'd get to sit on my little patio with you. I never did.
/reality
I'm have no idea why I'm so moody this week. Up, down, up, down. I really don't believe there's anything in my life causing it, it seems too random. I could blame PMS, as that statement may be accurate. Either way, it's getting bothersome and I wish it would cease and desist. I want to play FFXI this weekend, but I know I won't. I'm sure it's all psychosomatic, but I still feel guilty when I log in. People like Derz make me smile, though, and believe there are still good-hearted people, not so easily jaded by the failings of our own kind.
"Why in the world would you move to Houston?" Dear God, why did you have to ask me that? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2008|07:33 am] |
I feel like such an ass.
A friend, one that never, ever calls me, actually tried to contact me last night via text message. His mom is in the hospital and apparently it's pretty bad. But nope, didn't get the message 'til this morning. Why? Because my phone was on silent since I was raiding and I couldn't be bothered. For a fucking raid. He's not the kind of friend that would contact me over a trivial thing. I rarely deserve the people in my life.
I awoke from a nightmare around 3:45 this morning. I was talking on the phone to two people coming to see me. The woman's face was static, but the man's face kept changing into different people I know. Or knew. Why I could see their faces while on the phone I don't know. But then it went back to just my perspective and I heard the driver scream, then the most horrific sound of metal twisting and colliding. The phone went dead. It was one of those things where you had to go back to sleep telling yourself 'it's just a dream, it's just a dream.' I can still hear it in my head.
And to think, the first thing I wanted to complain about today was how much I'm starting to hate eggs. Fuck you, low-carb. |
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| What the Frak?! |
[May. 20th, 2008|11:23 am] |
One of our vendors is located in Winston-Salem, N.C. I just got off the phone with my tech contact there. Oh man, so nice to hear a smooth Carolina accent again. Had forgotten how much I missed it. A'course, I'll spend the rest of today puttin' two syllables into one syllable words, but that's alright. Brings back good memories.
Jon(Bleak), is your accent pretty thick? |
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| Hindsight is 20/20 |
[May. 15th, 2008|10:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
Indeedly doo, Ned Flanders. I'm not always this way, but I definitely had some selfish moments this week. They were unfair and uncalled for, to be honest. I fully realize one of my flaws is that I'm unable to leave something alone when things go badly. I personally prefer some kind of closure. I've at least outgrown the need to be forgiven, but I still like to be acknowledged. Either way, my actions were uncalled for. Having realized I was PMSing would have likely helped. I've learned to cease and desist when those hormones are on the rampage. However, the unpredictable nature of my cycle often leaves me guessing.
As a result of said hormonal influences, this week has felt quite disjointed. I hate it when I go home and sit quietly and when my roommates ask what's wrong, I tell them nothing. Mostly because nothing is wrong, I just feel like being sulky. For as much as I appreciate my roommates, I do wish I had somewhere to keep to myself from time to time. TV is in the main room, all our computers are in the main room. What I really need is a small laptop for web purposes only. Get a wireless card and then just take it into the bedroom when I want some quiet time to myself.
I'm rather impressed with how my savings account is growing, especially with the edition of the my tax rebate. I'd love to take a nice, long trip, but I should be responsible and use the money to pay off debt, and so I shall. Well, maybe just a little trip.
I've logged into FFXI a few times this week. I really have no desire to level bard anymore, even though I'm only one good exp run from 75. Mostly I want to play my monk and my warrior. So what's stopping me? The shear amount of CRAP I have to move around in order to get to all my gear. I'll probably be motivated this weekend and Tyr said he'd give me a linkpearl so I won't be bored between parties. The other night I almost made a pearl from the bag I have, just to see if anyone would be on. I doubt I'm supposed to have a pearl sack for that one, but I do. Makes me smile :-)
And off I go being selfish again. It shall pass, and I'll do a better job of keeping it to myself. I was always better at smiling than sulking anyhow. |
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| In the Blue Ridge |
[May. 9th, 2008|06:43 pm] |
I climbed atop the mountain blue
To stand upon its rocky grasp
And let the wind kiss my lips
As I whispered my love to you.
I went home. Went to Richmond, went to Mother's, went to the mountains, went to the valleys, came back to Denver. |
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| Day 3? |
[Mar. 22nd, 2008|11:03 am] |
So, I got ambitious enough to at least make some macros. Finished, then realized I left out Mambo. I'll shall get ambitious again later. My most favorite jew in the world (JEW!) is agreed to help me replace some missing gear. Realized some of my better instruments are missing, too. So, I have this decision to make - do I sell off my better melee stuffs to pay to replace other stuff, or keep on with melee with a half-ass bard around just to be useful? I don't really like doing anything half-assed.
Having a LS would be nice, too. Technically I have one, but out of respect for someone, I've kept it unequipped and that's okay. The less I get involved in the social aspect of the game, the less likely I am to get sucked back in. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2008|08:05 pm] |
Logged in tonight, said my hellos then quietly removed my pearl. Ported out to Holla, then ran to SanD, not bothering to remember that I kinda forgot to pay for my locker. Meh, all the better I suppose. I kinda just wanted to sit at my desk and listen to the music in Ronfaure. Logged into WoW, then decided it's just not a night for MMOs. Besides, there's Battlestar to be watched.
I know, you can't go back. But it's nice to pause and look for a little while. But even stopping to look filled me with guilt. I wish I knew what it was about that game that leads me to hurting people. |
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| Boo |
[Mar. 20th, 2008|07:28 am] |
Logged into Raynil this morning: Most of my gear is gone, including my manteel (which I am beyond pissed off about), and most of my gil (I'm missing around 7 million). Yeah, I'm thinking it's not even worth it.
Bah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2008|09:35 pm] |
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I was greeted with a blank page today. I guess everyone goes away in the end. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 3rd, 2008|12:14 am] |
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There are echoes where you used to be. |
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| How Bizarre |
[Dec. 17th, 2007|05:34 pm] |
Bryant contacted me. Bizarre isn't quite the right word.
I'm getting rather tired of my stomach being in knots every time I come home from work. I live in fear, but of the dumbest thing. No one is going to kill me, I'm not about to lose my home. I'm angry because I am not myself. Not even a shadow. I wanted to be a phoenix, instead I'm just a crow. |
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| Dear Sir Jon |
[Dec. 5th, 2007|09:12 pm] |
Jon
I'm attempting to give a full disclosure to a friend about starting FFXI. I explained the idiots and that making money is rough. Anything else you suggest I warn him about?
I post here because then said friend can read it himself and allow me to further my laziness.
Heart,
Ashe |
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| You Can't Go Home Again |
[Nov. 30th, 2007|06:35 pm] |
It's true, you can't. Except maybe in the movies. I personally can only half-way go home. I can return to visit my mother, but nothing is left of my North Carolina summers and holidays. The pond and the woods and the sand dunes are no longer open to me. I would be asked to leave under the pretense of trespassing. The river, perhaps, I could still walk along. But playing in the garden, hanging clothes on the line, chasing kittens through the bushes, all gone. Nothing of that is left now.
I want to drag this out into other facets of my life, but there's no point, really. We can't go home. Always remember. My own tattoos mock me. My seizures threaten my own promises.
"You gave me wings to fly." If I told you that you were the inspiration for that, would you believe me? No, no. I suppose I wouldn't believe it either. |
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